“My big day is coming up on September 17th. So I’ve been doing a lot of research about prostates and prostate cancer. It seems if you masturbate a few times a day it can add years to your life. I’ve just been doing a quick tally and it appears I’ll be immortal!”
OK, that was just one of the many jokes that seem to circulate around prostate cancer. Believe me, there are A LOT of masturbation jokes!
Several people have asked me about my big day and some of the
fun funny experiences I have had. As many of you know, when being diagnosed with Cancer you have to keep a sense of humor about it.
I was diagnosed back in the beginning of May and have known all summer I would have to get fixed.
Oh gosh, now I’m sound like a male dog!
No, I have had fun all summer and I hope to right up until next Tuesday. I find if I start thinking about the procedure, or some side effects, I literally go blank; wide-eyed, deer in the head lights, sick to my stomach blank. This past Monday was like that. I would rather laugh!
“I never understood why all The Muppets’ eyes looked like they were popping out of their heads.
Until I got my first prostate exam…”
Yes, this all started with some early detection via blood tests and then a prostate exam(s) at my annual physicals.
First, just like breast cancer, never ignore your early detection tests. They have saved lives! Maybe mine.
Second, I’ve had so many prostate exams by now I am actually starting to enjoy them!
OK, not so much,. That was one of the prostate jokes too. But I am getting used to them. Too used to them!
Which brings us to the next test in this prostate story, to confirm how much cancer I have…the prostate biopsies!
After my first meeting with my Oncologist, I’m going to call him Dr. O from now, he told me he needed a sample of my prostate to see the extent of my cancer; how much I may actually have. I think you women can appreciate this. A biopsy.
He tells me I have to go to his office (the same week as our dreadful move) and I will disrobe. He will then give me some anesthetic by way of a needle up my arse to kill the sensation. He then takes a little gun with a similar needle and with a click of the trigger the needle dives up and in and snatches a piece of my prostate.
To aid in the precision of this procedure he also inserts a camera in my backside to get a look at my prostate as well as guide the needle. Dr. O has a dirty job!
So I got up that Saturday morning washed myself like three times in that area that morning, took a deep breath, and marched into this biopsy chambers.
I can do this I thought. I can do this!
It’ll be a little uncomfortable but it will be over in an instant and then I have the rest of the day to
get some pity play.
So I walk in his back procedure room (pardon the pun) and there’s this beautiful young blonde nurse and she asks me to take my clothes off and lie on my side on this bed.
Yes, she only had to ask me once.
But as I turned around I took a pan of the room and the equipment in it.
The first thing I noticed was a row of 12 nice blue shot glasses. I joked (its how I handle duress) “oh are we doing shots this morning? “
She answers no, they are for my samples.
Laughing at my gullibility, I knew I had been duped, I thought Twelve samples? Twelve pieces of my butt?
Oh but it gets better!
As I continue scanning the room, right beside it appears to be the table, like a mammogram table, where the doctor will view images from up my butt.
And there it sat.
It looked like a huge, acrylic clear plastic dildo statue. ~Sorry ladies I looked but still can’t find the right term for the camera.
But I only saw one. And I thought, this is the device he uses to look up every other man’s rectum. This one. I am sure it is made for the average sized male. Which I am not!
I looked at my fingers for a disappointing comparison. I am only 5’7″. NOT 6 feet tall! Not nearly the average size male.
So again, I laughed and spun around to the pretty nurse and asked, “Excuse me? Does that thing come in different sizes or is it a one size fits all type of device?”
She told me that is the one and only but that I won’t be disappointed!
Easy for her to say.
So I laid naked on my side on the cold table, while looking at some cone shaped chair directly in front of me that I figured must be for giving and receiving enemas. Nice! A nice Saturday morning. Can I go now?
The doctor walks in and casually asks if I didn’t have anything better to do this Saturday morning (..than lay here naked on his cold table?) I told him no, not really. Just mowing the grass but that can wait.
He continues to tell me how it was going to go. He pulled out his needle gun, although from my position I couldn’t see it, and told me this is what its going to sound like.
Then he pulls the trigger and I hear a click, like from one of my kid’s toys. I told him, “Great, lets not be pointing guns in the house.”
He laughed and applauded at my attempt at humor. And began.
He clicked. I twitched. He clicked I twitched.
Actually it wasn’t too uncomfortable. It was just the sound that made you realize he was taking a small piece of your insides out and dropping them in a cup that made you jump. If I hadn’t heard the click I might not have twitched at all.
Trying to talk and joke as my way to distract myself from the situation, and also looking towards the finale, I asked, “How many is that now? 8? 9?”
Dr. O says, “Four! And try not to move.”
The Da Vinchi Procedure
to be continued…..
“If we couldn’t laugh we’d all go insane….”